I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
just witnessed a drug deal
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.