Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Story of my life…..
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.