It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
the clam before the storm
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home