I have never related to a cat more
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My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Growing out my freckles.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.