[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
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I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?