My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
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[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.