It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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do u think theres a butter planet?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog