Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.