kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Natty or not?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*