My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”