mathematically impossible
You Might Also Like
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.