I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I pray every night that I never become religious…
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”