A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!