having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”