Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.