when you order from DoorDastardly
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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.