Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
🛁
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week