Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Doctors texting each other.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once