Oh my god
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious