If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me