Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.