Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist