Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
what?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread