Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Canada has crack?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.