If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Usage Guidelines
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect