My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.