[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
You Might Also Like
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex