Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off