I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
translated into Canadian
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.