I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
You Might Also Like
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not