Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
knights of the ikea table
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.