I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.