Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.