[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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So I bought a second pair.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places