It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
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I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.