Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many