Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
You Might Also Like
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Word!
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.