WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS