The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest