on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn