I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.