I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
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[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
This trial is so absurd 😭
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option