The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
no!! no!!!!!!
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*