in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
You Might Also Like
Me driving through Toronto
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
me linking you to my twitter
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking