Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
New Tinder profile.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.