I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Encore…
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“I FIXED IT!”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit