Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
jesus, what did this guy do
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
they should invent a rest for the wicked
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.