Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro