Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*