Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS